Archive for February 2014

Self Portrait Wk 31 & thoughts prior to surgery tomorrow

I’m pissed.  I’m also a wide range of other emotions, but I can only handle angry tonight.  I’m just a few hours away from my 5:30am check in for another surgery. This time to remove the expanders under my chest muscles and replace them with implants.  My older sister is in town to help.  I hear her heavy breathing along with the snores of my brother-in-law coming from the living room, where my client and friend Ana lent us an air mattress.  A retro teardrop trailer sits in my driveway for my brother Calvin and his wife later this week. The house is packed and I am loved.  I know.  I’m so glad I’m not alone.  Sleep will not come easy tonight I know, however.  Having these expanders out tomorrow will be a relief, after a few days of recover, I hope.  I have no love for them tonight, though I am curious to see them.  I’ve asked my plastic surgeon to save them so I can photograph whatever it is that’s hard as a damn rock keeping me awake all night long for 3 months.  My feelings are much more complicated now.  I’m even upset that I’m having another surgery.  This is on top of the fact that I’ve spend all day trying to get answers to questions I asked last week while two of my doctors were on vacation.  Fortunately, one of them called at 8pm tonight to walk me through the thinking on the new treatment plan again.  I had to hear it from someone else to know that it’s right in memory and in my notes.  I feel like I’ve had to become an MD during this process.  I’m scared.  I’m frustrated.  I’m uncertain.  And this equals just feeling pissed. It’s okay to be pissed when you need to be.  I don’t have a smile tonight.  I miss my own breasts. The ones I could feel. The ones that moved when I turn over on my side at night.  I will never feel my breasts again. It doesn’t matter how good they look.  That’s sad.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll let some of that go. Or maybe I’ll still be pissed.

Self Portrait Week 31/final before expander exchange surgery

Self Portrait Week 31/final before expander exchange surgery

Self Portrait Week 31/final before expander exchange surgery

Self Portrait Week 31/final before expander exchange surgery

 

Self Portraits, wk 29-30. Prior to final reconstruction

My treatment plan has been changed up completely due to new information.  I have my final reconstruction surgery in 5 days.  No radiation now.  Lymphedema still raging.  I’m very upset by new developments and still can’t do much writing due to left hand being in a huge Pillsbury Doughboy glove for lymphedma.  So frustrating!  I’m taking meditation classes, breathing, exercising, crying, laughing, spending time with family and letting it all sink in.  I will be SO happy to get these expanders out and hopefully be finished with reconstruction.  Perhaps the hand swelling will also go down.  Cross your fingers and make a toast to softer boobs and a normal size hand.

 

Self Portrait Wk29 SelfPortraitWk29-8

The scars are fading!

Self Portrait Wk30